I'm not a natural one
described Cotyledons, and I have talked to say that my text editor way too messy, in fact, I was a simple-minded animals.
described I think in this decade, as the bonsai pot broken long, lush foliage, a headache.
the end, I chose to begin at the beginning, described the process to avoid what I miss, this cruel
ten years, this crazy decade, there is no permit ignored.
two
1994, I was sixteen, Chunhongchibai, bright eyes gaze good.
Li are sixteen years old, single fold high nose, thin lips cold thin fingers.
he was three months younger than I am three weeks plus three days.
order book says women than men for three years, or three months, they are destined to struggle. This is years later, I saw the sentence, Thriller.
Li are typical nerd, quiet, dull dull, looks cool. I have not seen a man after the appearance can be described as cold. He is my
the same table, my desk against the wall, close to the windows, every class, I have to leave the seat, etc. The Intellectual
bit, I can go out, He was a big, I was behind him in the past Total inevitably rubs up against him, this is my untold
hidden. Sixteen-year-old girl, do not want to, and independent of any physical contact with the opposite sex.
happens Li are the boy did not like sports, except to go to the toilet, and calisthenics, he is lying on the desk to write about painting, I am sorry again and again, and Li both said that you let me go out, I would lie on the windowsill watching the next class of students came and went in the corridor, from time to time, and other students visiting through the window bars as in conversation.
because it is the same table, almost all activities are homogeneous groups I and Li, which makes me very angry sixteen-year-old.
hands are white as Li girl's hand, when the boy working class can not make, cleaning, often I sweep the six groups, he was sweeping the 2 groups, then I Swear teacher gave me adjust the seat.
time, boys and girls can not talk too much, otherwise there is puppy love rumors flying in the sky.
I and Li were not rumors. Because we rarely speak.
I despise his stiff clumsy.
he could not understand me sentimental.
the first year of high school, most of the words we say is: The Intellectual, let it. Holding a piece
he said: Well, good.
extremely bored, I will see them playing chess. I would rather abruptly when read ask: Why is it like to go sideways? Why did the horse can not walk straight?
Li old laugh at my opponent are mentally retarded, and I turned over the supercilious said: I do not know not to ask what will happen?
Li are always explained to me patiently. Gradually understand the original chess so fun.
Gradually, Li were replaced by my opponent, class bell rang, Li are to work out from the desk in my ear that chess conspire: to kill a bar.
I was fascinated of chess has come to the point of obsessed.
I remember, high school three years, about a year of free time I have been racing against time and the Intellectual in chess. The rise of a story without warning, I and Li Jun, the age of sixteen, a pure dream, he wanted to become an international chess master, and I want to be a famous writer.
our love would have no intersection, in the end I was dragged into his world, fascinated by chess, literature, my dream is out the window, which resulted in the difficulties I have described today.
I have not asked the teacher for a seat, I have the same table and the relationship between Li actually a two-year, our class is a dull old man, and he did two years, not adjusted my seat.
I and Li are, still do not talk - it is not possible.
race against time because the game of chess, so every day at noon Dafan and cleaning are often contradictory, if we clean up together, until to Dafan sure to line up, so finally I and Li have agreed to him the meal, I even all meal tickets are handed over to him and let him for my assignment. And I am responsible for cleaning duty, and even homework, I'm trained to hand good character, and Li are the font to mimic the real ones in the state.
their own job, we need only 15 minutes, then start killing themselves in array will be together.
then, as if never tired.
the beginning of the story is often not expected to go. As I and Li are, pure fellow chess player relations, but also became a couple rumors. Li
Who are carrying my lunch box do? Who I am and Li are operating errors are the same? Who We first bumped heads stay for a noon it?
I and Li are the teacher called the office, I also disagree.
I stared at the toes, listening to the teacher in earnest, listening to both Li and the teacher got angry debate, dizziness, feeling all around in the rotation, a floating feeling.
a wave until the teacher said: Well, you go.
and I were out of the office for a Li, silently through the long corridors, stable pace, mood and transparent.
around the corner, Li both laughed, he said: too funny. This calculation Taosexinwen, right? Seventeen years old, he
backlighting, face down is completed. I have only one meter away from him, looked up at him slightly, he looked at me and smiled and smiled and began to look stiff.
all my heart jump, silence at noon on the stairs, he stepped in down and gently pinching my fingers said: You really look good, I love you.
I like the deer run away.
that year, the day that the sun, freeze in my life.
three
first year of college, I was thinking of tortured wreck shape.
I love that person, in the distant Guangzhou, fourteen hours between us drive back and forth two hundred eighty-two the
tickets. and I have agreed
Li, meet every two months, starting Friday night I am from Wuhan, Guangzhou Saturday morning, and then back to school week
night, Monday morning arrived at school. The next meeting, the small are coming from Guangzhou, and then go back. This
back and forth, we have nearly two years running times, in the end, the two of us can be secure in the crowded compartment dirty call
call sleep.
last year in the cinema to see and happy to run around.
we were always so much to say, as if every cell should show to each other to see, I went to his school, lived in his dorm
of female students, he came to my school living in my dorm room boys. In order to allow their students to be happy
point, we do not know how much to pay smile, as well as how many things people do.
1998 summer vacation, I and Li both have decided not to go home, two people tutor to earn money in exchange for more together.
my birthday is August 8, those days looking for work, almost forgot about the incident.
birthday the day before, I received a sum of royalties, the number is not small, almost three months to maintain my living expenses. I am very excited
. I decided not to tell Li Jun, a direct immediate concern Guangzhou to surprise him.
7 August night, I bought tickets on the train before the phone rang a small all quarters, he heard a cry Hey, I hung up.
sure he was on the line.
Along the way, I was thinking, I stood in his dormitory room door early in the morning, what he should look.
and I do not know, that time, Li and I were off in a train, but also against the window, thinking to surprise me
.
I do not know what we brush the moment, in which some distance on. But if that day you see two young figure,
against the window edge, Tuozhuo Sai happy laugh, that is, the Intellectual in the age of nineteen and large his girlfriend of three months Shen Yao.
This is our second time passing.
I arrived at the quarters were small, they were told to find my little all, and I slumped on the ground, tears.
I went to my dorm janitor called, no answer, no one summer in the dorm. I'll stop playing stop playing
.
finally came to an impatient voice, and good students that I know, I asked her this morning, there is no one to
to me, and she said no, then I heard the phone there are Li Ask her voice, he asked: Students, do you know where Yao Shen
yet?
my students over there, laughing, said: **, the film has not a coincidence ah! You waiting for, ah, your boyfriend over here.
Li are just fed a cry, I cry out to wow. Janitor's uncle quickly handed me a tissue, I said to a small all I was going to give you the
surprise, how do you go to a Well in Wuhan, he said, Well today is your birthday, I want to come early in the morning, to you a birthday surprise ah
.
we blame the phone, sorry, I finally decided to wait for him in Canton, he was sitting at the car back to Guangzhou.
I took the face of the confetti, red-eyes sitting on the steps of the Guangzhou station, did not drop into the rice. The power of love to surprise
big man, I have only one wish, that is, wait here, first saw him, threw himself into his arms wept.
I then sat blankly, steady stream of people around, I saw a couple actually are, how happy they are, he
can have so much time together.
night, have marshals came over and said: girl, you are for them to stay or car ah? Yang Zhelian
I said: them to stay, Wuhan and Guangzhou K57.
he kind of said: You go to a hotel to sleep, so many Leia.
I shook my head said no, I'm not tired.
He said: Oh, girl, night, few people, dangerous, if you have something to come to me, I'm in the duty room.
I said uh hum the nose, tears streaming down pulled and crash.
I stood next to the station on a large pier, wearing a red skirt and white shirt, I'm looking for my little crowd were.
small were held me down from behind in the crowded to kiss me. I said I'm sorry, did not accompany me over 19 years old birthday.
I cried not, hands and feet to be numb. Qu grievance tears never seem to stop.
he used a little bit of that cold hand wipe my tears, and finally we both laughed.
He said I like a faucet, like switching a twist tears down.
Yes ah, at that time, why there are so many tears to flow? In fact, four
described here, and I still can not find our separate reasons.
sometimes, love to go, and love as there is no reason.
In fact, we separated. Junior year, we broke up.
Do not think I was in vain for the story, ask who is willing and who have the courage to love their years of his life story as told when
ups and downs?
wrote here, I want to cry come forward. But has no tears. I said, no passion of love, like the old six-year-old woman, withered
**, and then force-feeding is also not a child.
my tears, as early as the fall in 1999, drained.
December 2098, a small all of the birthday, I went to Guangzhou.
time, I'll give the money has been writing for several magazines may pay tuition fees.
I have bought a great little gift bag, from clothes to socks, from the razor into the toilet water, gifts messy trivial, small but
happy words were choked. He knows that this fine mind, is love.
That night, he and I, as well as several of his classmates went out to dinner, banquet, I found a woman he and his classmates
each run, overlapping dialogue is wonderful, the little all, is I have never seen before. I've seen are modest little detailed
affectionate, this joke about the poor blind boy, I'm strange.
the girl was supposed to be hearty very talented girls, they actually at the dinner table of a poem. Days Kelian Jian,
I've already put poetry back behind and I remember when I learned how, and Li are, when he began
interested in literature?
them back to You and Tang Wan's
there are some things that I ignore the.
I love Li Jun, love to the bone marrow, I do not see the other one the opposite sex, but also not allow him to see other people look.
I said little all, you are my world, I have only you, I have no other, I forbid you to leave me, unless I die.
I'm paranoid, suspicious, self-willed, strong desire to share.
I often have to call in the middle of the night to the small, as long as his classmates said he was not, I could not sleep all night, grabbing the next day I would
he asked endlessly.
I left dinner that night, a man went to the Guangzhou Railway Station to the other car, still sitting on the edge of the high level
head against the railings.
the four years I want to sort out a clue, I have lost to Li himself. I am determined to be sub-micrometer, sub-micrometer PCT
he give to the end I found that he's not all, but I thought it was all.
I am sensitive and depression, hysteria lurking somewhere deep in the bones.
Guangzhou in December, the day hot it might be cool at night but also sting.
I'm groggy, sleep at the Guangzhou station. Middle of the night, I was holding up, wake up, throw a slap in the face the past, but were found to be small, he then held me, beat me to tread any
bombs, outspoken call him, I was in his white The bite out of rows of teeth marks on the wrist. He is silent,
hold me go fast.
He will hold me straight into the side of Liuhua station, a hotel room, throw on the bed. But it is soon turned to cries muffled
.
long silent, I feel chest tightness.
I rushed over and fell on his back, I murmured: small are, I love you.
He slowly turned around to hug me and kiss my eyes, my pale cheeks and lips.
Then he asked me.
This is our first time, we agreed to stay until the wedding day that day, but we did not.
all natural, we jerky, trembling, fear, excitement, madness.
a night we again and again, tears, sweating and bleeding.
dawn of time, were holding my hand, slipped from the hotel waiter down side, we stole a piece of linen,
up there with my son at the pure blood red.
five
1999 summer, I went to Guangzhou, looking for units to prepare for the internship, one year after I began to prepare and small are places
Flying double life.
since the night after, we have not overstepped, we also ridiculous contract, will stay until the second night of the wedding
. We say this, there is a sacred expression of his face was like really.
days in Guangzhou, I was very frustrated, I did not expect to work so hard to find in Guangzhou, day laborers are generally required to be Cantonese, and
I will not, I will fiercely fluent Mandarin and Wuhan, then is not Cantonese.
I stay all day are a small little house I rent a daze. At that time all have a standard small word of Guangzhou. When he answered the phone
I looked at him in the next insensibly, like listening to the birds. I often listen to the other side
Couguo is male or female, he smiled and pushed me initially, and later a few times, obviously fiercely push me
.
little squeeze and I will have single beds, and we hold tight, hard to resist the desire to then I say you are not the small
come.
small all nodded, kissed my forehead, said: Anyway, I will hold you in this life until death, one year later than two years, I can firmly hold
.
I cried, tears dripping rub in a small are of the shirt.
day in Guangzhou, is the sweetest day of the decade.
after work every day carrying a three to two small trees are green vegetables and some cooked food back apron to cook for me, and I look behind him much of his
tall figure busy to cry . I cry not eat, he knocked Fanpen singing: the words that person is
iron rice is the meal do not eat steel ah * ah * hunger of panic until I grinned, his timely delivery
over the food, we red eyes looking at each other, devouring the meal, and then kissed, and I obsessed with his lips, he
my eyes and my fascination with the neck. Sometimes we walked way, I stopped and said to him: I think you were little, he kissed me
arm around my eyelashes.
cracks also appeared during this period.
I did not find a job, I had plenty of ambition and self-righteous talent, but did not display place, seeing I
in Guangzhou for almost a month. I am a very vain woman, and I can not stand this laid-back, can not stand this state of limbo
feeling. Little said nothing to me all he could to support me, and he intern at Motorola, but also quite popular, often invited his colleagues
party. He said Yao
each party with us is good.
I looked down in silence, I do not want to look at people and I am depressed DW clothing champagne. I
I not only own self-esteem.
are getting no small ask for my advice, just give me a pager message, tell me that he had not come back together.
several occasions, the small were very late back, feeling the alcohol. Whirring and sleep lying on my side, he did not know I was not
sleep.
midnight, one o'clock that day he is back, and I lay muffled, and he softly open the door, take pajamas shower, I stood down to take
change his shirt, actually smell a perfume. My heart just fell into the icehouse once. I sat in the room of dark
brain blank, dull look blankly out the window underneath the moon.
are from the bathroom out of a small, dark to bed, probably did not touch me, crying softly Shen Yao, I'm in a dark corner of the sofa
Bu Zhisheng children, he called Shen Yao, you're kidding , be careful you stumble about the room black, said to touch the light cord, then I should be appropriate
the darkness, I saw his figure in the move, I stood up and ran fiercely pushed him, he did not stop ,
fall to the ground.
he thought he and I joked, smiled and got up and pulled bright light, saw me standing in the room in
unkempt, the tears bubbling out of Bay.
He looked at me blankly Shen Yao said how do you?
I pointed to his nose, said: Li are you bastard!
he wanted to hold me back up, I kicked in the past, then he fell to the ground, he said, how do you Yaoyao?
I stood up, as wolf as the head toward him. I caught him biting him, he stood still, any time I vent. Until the end, I
finally tired, down on the bed fell asleep.
woke up and saw the small are standing at the window smoking, cigarette butts in the dark twinkling. I then see him lying on the back side
, see the eyes grow dim, he then stood motionless, and then went on a cigarette end point of a fuel.
was getting white, I get tired, he was standing there, I gently asked him: small are.
he seemed to turn, but fell to the ground splash. I jumped out of bed, rushed him a hug and screamed, and I pulled him
to bed, the heart does not move faster to jump the small are, my little all, how he was?
I find shaking the phone, I do not know what the dial number, and I shook him, I kissed him, and he does not wake up, I am paralyzed
desperate howl at the bedside, I think small are dead.
been crying so I have been crying, crying out to the throat are dumb, no tears, I found the small are slowly opened his eyes,
he touched my face and asked: how do you Shen Yao, and What are you crying?
I said hoarsely: small all I thought you were dead.
are tired of small laugh: I'm just tired, I'm sleepy.
I climbed on the bed, climbed into both arms, as the snake wrapped around him, and he patted me on the shoulder, and gradually went back to sleep in the past.
that time, we have that small bed, a full night sleep for two days. We are tired to the point of unbearable.
I often think my life is enough to sleep most the day.
six
I described, it is often caught at the scene, write and go. Then I started to feel bad that I. I'm like a stray
small mammals, I stumbled, I am extremely upset that I had this nightmare: I was a Dairen to catch up, I ran and ran and found
front of the cliff, I only hesitated for a while seconds to jump down, the result I woke up, my arms were still small,
I often burst into tears in the middle of the night. I fear that the feelings of a man running, and if someone can take my hand,
I feel safe.
are saying that I like a small tool, do not already out of its scabbard, a sheath to wounding.
said this, he looked at me bitterly. He hates my temper, as I affectionately love. More hate and more love.
the number of times he and I more and more trouble, and I love to suffocate him.
I like a madman, I want more and more.
we fight again, and again plays embrace sleep.
summer passed quickly, a small all sent me to the train station, quietly without saying a word.
I'm standing on the platform, to please both hands to pull the small, and he held my hand, holding casual, I could feel his
and I did not want to hand out. I always face in one second, my temper has come for no reason. He is afraid of the end
, he no longer talk to me, just quietly give me cooking and washing. This day, a man unwilling to continue, but until today I came to understand
has been completely late.
August 30, 1999, Li had finished all my twenty-first birthday, and then at Guangzhou station told me that we do not
right, we should not severely hurt each other is not.
I did not speak, eyes calm and Li are watching, this scene has appeared many times in my dreams, I will be shocked
wake up, finally become a reality today, as I am helpless and suffering palpable. Li was carrying a shoulder
all my luggage, carrying to buy me a big pocket of fruit.
I suddenly felt funny, like a camel Li uniform until now still doing the same for my boyfriend's share of the thing, how can he be
break to say, he should at least bad attitude that look mean enough, but his gentle look at me
, pamper at me, a pain than I am forced to satisfactory end. I finally did not hold back, I laughed, clutching his belly laugh roll
.
Intellectual in the luggage on the ground, said one: Shen Yao, and you stop it, I get tired.
I got up a little bit of luggage carried on the shoulders, the fruit bags across their chests, to the carriage
great strides to go, there is no turning back.
I sat in that sleeper hold baggage compartment, dull eyes like an idiot.
one minute before the train opened, I jumped out. Lost all my luggage in the car, and I carried a backpack slanting,
Li in the crowd were looking for, in the end, I despair against the Guangzhou station overpass, the sky is already rotten. I go step by faltering step
, so I have come to him that the station, then of course to see him, he squatted in that
pier side, desperate to smoke.
I was standing a meter away from him, so he raised his head, until I stood numb feet, and he did not look up, I clearly see the smoke
his head and hot hands.
collapsed in my coming, when he finally stood up and shot him in the ash, then saw me, he walked next to me,
held out his hand to pull me, I pulled by him, Biliaoyanjing the walk.
He dragged me to the side of the road ride, I asked him: Where are you taking me.
he did not say anything, I said: small are, I'll have to go, I want to go back to Wuhan, I just want to spend your last
night. I do not want your pity. Do not.
she spoke I was hysterical, waving my arm, shouted out: I will not depend on you, I do not jump off the train
is to depend on you. Then I cried
futile, and I Didi said: I just forgot the taste of you hold me to sleep.
him a Louguo me, breathing heavily tearful: Yaoyao, Yaoyao, I love you. I love you.
me he was almost caught in the arm in the back of our small room, the room was empty.
only a mattress on the bed, and he will be in bed by my life, I like the kiss me, I feel like I should be kissed spit.
my tears have not so much a person's tears do have some capacity, will one day be dried.
his arms around me and kissed me inch by inch, he was like a child crying to me. Tears patter out my chest
mouth, after so long, I can feel it like the hot tears.
familiar with each other's body, such as a natural act in harmony. I saw a voluptuous flowers on the roof, the bloom was loud and the sound of my nails grasp the small trail of blood stains were on the back.
we desperate to each other on the bare mattress, leaving the last of the passion of my life.
next day, I am a calm person to the airport, take the first available flight back to Wuhan, it was my first time flying, I
decided to go to the Guangzhou Railway Station is not a lifetime. That time, Li are sweet mattress to sleep in rental housing, the arm customary Tanzhao, as if I was in his arms.
seven
wrote here, I see this experience to a friend, he did not speak, holding printout tears while watching his
said: In those years, you suffer.
me laugh, I told him that bitter is just beginning, a small all around the day, however hard it is sweet. I own making, I
love with a rope called the murder of my love.
back to Wuhan, I lost the pager. Moved quarters.
small have been to call, I did not answer, I let the students tell him that I had dropped out.
small are not to Wuhan to me, and I understand he is tired, he was tired of my self-willed. I want him, but deliberately let himself forget him, and he bored me, and I repeat itself self-esteem, I will not Sipilailian the look for him. Not.
twenty days later, I suffered insomnia, mouth in a long string of bulbs. I almost did not how to eat. I began to resent him.
that morning, I finally get up bed, I lay in bed dormitory, feeling dying.
I struggled up a bowl of instant noodles to cook, I feel like vomiting torn bags, instant noodles so that I can not stand the taste.
I brought lunch to buy lunch **, ** he first entered the door, I was sick.
I came back to the school door to buy a bowl of jelly, put a lot of pepper, squatted street wolf eat
finished.
me back to the dormitory, just something to eat up the Bay, I went to the bathroom, eat something bitter to
all spit out.
I straightened up, standing on the tap side thought, I was not suffering from anorexia it?
I went to the hospital, I was told pregnant.
out of the hospital, my feet can not find a way, I almost floating back to the hostel.
my body, with a life, I fear and sadness.
I never thought I would in the twenty-year-old age, to become a mother.
I was a kid, my day is not leaning on someone else's chest I do not safe.
I almost spit out again every morning, my body is not thin. Students gradually
I hesitated to the child, the child has been in my body more and more stubborn existence.
after struggling in a sleepless night I decided to leave this child, I love both of Li evolved into the extreme of resentment
hate him, I gave birth to this child, I find him to take the child and asked him how willing I am sad.
I became completely crazy, tormented his children became my tool. I fantasize about countless times looks like his face
with a child, standing in front of him, smiled and told him that it was your child, and then look at his pained expression, I would laugh, Ling Li's
laugh.
me from October 1999 onwards, became a sheath knife.
the fastest speed I contacted a well-known Beer Group in Shenzhen, and then write an application to the school in advance to the real October 10, I stood on the streets of Shenzhen, where I work is a large Seafood City, I became a beer promoter
. I wear large clothes, I want to earn in the shortest period of time a sum of money, and then to leave the stomach very up here, find a quiet place
waiting for delivery.
Shenzhen from Guangzhou, two hours drive, I have two hours away from where the small, bitter work, even at the cost
charming smile to the guests, open ambiguous joke, I like Like the full slut Jin Jinzuan
every penny in his hand.
I have to live with violent reaction in early pregnancy, and I vomit every ten minutes into the toilet once.
not all yellow I see things, met on the spit.
feel that I can not describe with words, I said, I'm not described Cotyledons, I'm feeling more and more difficult narrative
, because there was an adjective to express my feelings, my anger, grievance , but With a woman born of mercy
, I am increasingly distressed life in my belly, in the end I thought, I went to his father
find a pro and let him see at a glance when born a generous shoulder. I kept thinking I was a daze.
then, I had no tears.
I give my child to take a lot of names such as carved Shen Shen days, Shen Chao, I really like as a young mother, pregnant women go to the bookstore
query instructions, I will not stay up late, I drink a lot of nutrition soup, but I'm not fat together, the children
the blink of an eye to four months, my stomach actually remained flat, the company still regard me as a young, up and down, like the servants labor, I am a person carrying ten
two bottles of beer back and forth, no one should know my waist is not straight up.
December 25, 1999, I learned from Shenzhen City Seafood Carnival fell down the stairs, walk from the high blood shed to
staircase, winding, such as my youth.
my child, no more.
that little life, my youth carved in my body the only brand of skin, then gently Yishuai to died
.
I think that major surgery between the empty, the blue screen behind the high capacity bed, the cool equipment in my body stirred
, biting my lips tightly, so that the fifty-gynecologist , kind of looked at me and said: boy, you call out now,
pain called soon. I did not call, my lips started bleeding, the doctor gave me wipe, she said: a pity, is a boy
, fast, five months, but for fall look, do not have to lead off.
She gathered her equipment, said: Do you want to see one?
I desperately shaking his head, and then coma.
wrote here, I collapsed on the same underlying set down, covered with a little effort and no.
Shen Yao I feel bad that more and more intense, I do not even think it was five years ago, I, I want to
arm out into the mid 2099's
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